Pratiques Ecologie Sensible : Your Attitude Is Keeping You Single

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Its going to be a news flash kind of day on Dating and Mating today. Fair warning — if you are single and don’t want to be, read this post with caution. It might tick you off or it might pry you out of your rut. Either way… it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Brass tacks: You are very likely single because of your attitude.

I know, I know. Ouch! Every time I come out with a statement like that on here, I get a flurry of counter-comments, but I’m sticking to my guns on this one. This isn’t intended for the people who have decided to be single for a season, this is only for the ones who want to be relating and are instead bemoaning how much the dating world sucks (yes, it does suck… at times… but so what! Don’t let that determine your success!)
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Case in Point: I’m at a party in Chicago as an out of town guest. Conversation rolls around (as it always does when I’m around) to dating and relationships. This mixed group of guys and girls everywhere from 24-45 begin to discuss the highs and lows of dating in the Windy City. For the most part, conversation has been consistently positive interspersed with comments about the slush and I lightly comment, “It seems to me that Chicago natives only complain about one thing — the weather.” And then one of the women drops this bomb into the mix, “I have something else to complain about Chicago. There are ZERO good looking men here.” *sound of crickets chirping*

The men all look slightly embarrassed at her comment as she stares me down with a grim expression. The women shuffle feet and angle bodies away from her in an attempt to not be branded as “bitter girl like her.” Deciding to salvage the tone we had before the crickets took the stage, I replied,”Really? My head’s been on a swivel stick since I’ve gotten up here. I think there are a TON of good looking men!” *men perk up and get little cat grins and women breathe a sigh of social relief* and then Ms. Attitude Problem CONTINUES to press her point. I won’t go into the entire dialogue at this point since it would be painful, but lets just say that, at that moment, I suddenly had more insight into why she had been single for over 10 years since her divorce. Attitude.

Not one of the men in that circle was going to try to prove her wrong, they even edged slightly away from her the more she stridently insisted that she was right. For the rest of the evening, I saw her talking to… women…or sitting alone in the corner by the food table. She was good looking, fit and interesting when not talking about men or dating or relationships (yes, I talked to her before and after the conversation bomb.)

The guys from that circle were on the hunt though, at some point in the evening, I saw them all splintering off to talk to different women and I’m guessing that the women they were laughing with had nothing remotely negative to say about the men in Chicago. I’m betting that they might have even been, dare I say it… positive, flirtatious, interesting…

This isn’t the only time I’ve seen this. Over and over during interviews and conversations about dating, guys AND girls have amazed me with comments that are very clear indicators of attitude issues. Sometimes people stay in a rut for so long, its all they can see and they refuse to believe that it can be any different.

A few years ago, I was in the same boat. Thankfully, I clawed my way out of the (huge) rut I was in and have some tips to share for those of you reading this post and shifting uncomfortably in your chair as you relate to Ms. Attitude Problem. I’ll be honest, this takes work and a lot of accountability, but the changes are so worth it, that I would be a schmuck to not say anything to those of you who are very frustrated.

====How to flip the Closed Sign to Open:====

- Watch your thoughts. If you can catch negativity at the thought level, its less likely to come out your mouth. Turn it around in your head when you catch it. If you think, “There are too many hot girls at this party. No guy is going to notice me” switch it to “Wow, with this many pretty women around, there are going to be some very happy men. Which one do I want to talk to?”
 - If you can’t catch it at a thought level, give a few of your friends permission to call you out when you make negative statements. Make sure to pick positive or happily relationshipped friends since they are not likely to chime in and turn it into a negative bonding moment.
 - I’m betting there are some self-esteem issues going on. Identify the main culprits and do what you need to in order to turn your esteem around.
 - Decide to consciously build up not only the people around you, but the culture in which you find yourself. By seeing and commenting on the positive, you’ll be amazed at how much your attitude changes.
 - Get rid of your negative friends. I know… again… harsh. Even if you don’t want to lose them, change the way you relate to them. If you are used to calling and griping about your date (or lack thereof) the day after, instead try to talk about the positive and get off the phone when things go down-hill. It takes practice, but its a huge help in the long run. I’m not telling you to abandon your friends in crisis, but I think you know the difference between your friend going thru a rough patch and your friend who doesn’t want to know any differently.
 - Make eye contact with the men/women you wish to meet and … SMILE.

Stick with it for 3 months. If you don’t see a change, come back and leave me a comment telling me that I’m full of it. But I’m betting, the change will be larger than you can even imagine.

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